Horoscopes: Friday January 22nd 2016

ARIES (March 21 - April 20): Don't limit yourself to tried and trusted sources of music right now. If you feel a certain 1980's pop ballad is in order, well I say go for it. Loudly. TAURUS (April 21 - May 21): You must be true to your beliefs, even if it will compromise your …

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Alberta’s Cancelled Everybody, Go Home

Local publication startles world with blunt phrasing. Edmonton WestStar After what seems like an endless amount of disappointing economic news resulting from an entirely predictable, if not Gatsby-esque crash in oil prices, a local publication has come forward with an announcement. "That's it, Alberta's cancelled everybody. Go home.” Whether or not an province could logistically …

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Squirrel Finds Current Canadian Household Debt Alarming

Notable squirrel economist ‘has been preparing for months.’ It seems that it's not only our financial elites who are finding our current overburdened credit situation something to chatter about. Notable economist and financial expert, Black Squirrel That Sometimes Chases Large Grey Squirrel, has released a comment Monday regarding Canadians and their worrisome spending habits, particularly …

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Poll: Nation’s Children Will Vote Stephen Harper If He Can Demonstrate ‘Superior’ Minecraft Skills

Edmonton- With the ongoing federal election swiftly underway, a recent poll conducted by the Edmonton West Star has concluded that the nations children, peoples ages 0-16, would only vote for the PC candidate Stephen Harper if he could demonstrate superior skills in the international video game, Minecraft. This is a startling discovery, as a year …

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Layoffs Increase in Downtown Calgary: Area Now Considered ‘Visitable’

Calgary- Due to the recent spike in industry layoffs spurned from the downward trend in the resource and commodity markets, the downtown core of Canada’s favorite ‘Arch Villain’ city is now deemed ‘visitable’ by many everyday residents. This marks a drastic change for an area once considered ‘lost’ to many of the city’s hard working, …

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How to Move from Edmonton to Calgary as a God-forsaken Traitor

Moving can be difficult especially when it makes you a no good, cock-sucking sell out. If recently you have had to move from your beloved hometown into enemy headquarters, such as from London to Paris, Los Angeles to San Francisco, or Edmonton to Calgary, you might experience a wide range of negative reactions in regards …

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Cheer leading industry in decline, losing women to ‘real female roles’

Chip Cofton unpacks his gold-plated pom-poms as he gazes out the window of his new office and lets out a long sigh. Canada's leading cheer leading agent has has left his Toronto loft, downsizing to a furniture-alley storefront in Edmonton. “This industry used to be like shooting fish in a barrel,” Cofton grumbles. “Back in …

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Advertising Feature: University of Alberta celebrates long history of being ‘almost worth money’

The Edmonton West Star,  01/10/2013 - The University of Alberta, situated in Edmonton on the lovely banks of the North Saskatchewan River, boldly enters its second century of sucking dreams dry. Locally known as 'just what you do when you're done high school', this academic institution is proud of its reputation as 'the entrepreneur of …

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Edmontonians ‘bored and clueless’ about arena negotiations

Dec 18th, 2012 The Edmonton West Star A new poll indicates Edmonton area citizens fail to display any level of interest or knowledge in the details of the downtown arena negotiations. An overwhelming 80% of Edmontonian's surveyed replied by simply stating, “Listen. I'm just gonna say what I've been saying all along...” Ward 13 Councillor Tim Bellechuk …

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2008-Era Gingerbread houses left unsold

Edmonton - New figures published this week suggest the gingerbread housing market has gone stale, while the looming fiscal cliff heads our way. Edible housing starts in November are at their lowest level since 2008, despite being in the industry's busiest time of year. The many vacant properties suggest that a tiny, whimsical version of a Detroit-like ghetto …

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