Weekly Horoscopes by Sign

Your life explained by the stars


ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will be in high spirits today before you reach your place of employment. During the day, your moral will fall and you will be considering your options. An authority figure will bring further self doubts. After leaving your place of employment, your spirits will rise.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You are impressed by those who yield to nicer vehicles than you. Someone with more expensive tastes will leave you wanting an oversized truck inspired change. Now is not the time for big decisions. Consider your options carefully, you are already locked into a poorly thought-out contract.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You are liable to be criticized today, some of it will be based on your obvious failings. These failings are causing your loved ones to grow tired of your presence. Later in the day, you might take a walk, read a book, or hide in the basement until you know that your family has gone to bed.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You are making all the right moves today, Cancer! A business plan that has been in the works is made easier by adding new cash transactions. Politicians, share holders and lobby groups seem to all support you. Go for it, you’ll be dead before they find out!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Being over the top and energetic will bring you romantic entanglements, vivacious Leo, some of them with highly attractive people! Careful not to play too many at once, you’ll start confusing names. Later in the evening, your persistence leaves you despondent and empty, as true love only exists in the moments of first impression and one night stands.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Virgo, your interest outside the box is tragically stunted. A communication with a stylish person may leave you realizing you’ve been way out of touch. Instead of burying your nose in your work, maybe just quit your job and try the unemployment thing? Most people won’t notice anyhow.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The world today seems very interesting, Libra! Your career is following a windy path as new developments leave you feeling a little on edge. The commute home will be a good place to vent this emotion, as the other drivers are looking for your suggestions. Let them have it!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your patient and calculating mind is serving you well, my dear Scorpio. If you wait patiently, whatever your strategically poisoned will soon be ready to eat. Life is about taking advantage, but there is always time to produce thousands upon thousands of children. Keep them safe, they represent your gene pool.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Most of your projects are poorly thought out with no back-up plans, darling Sagittarius. Maybe this is because you put your ego in front of your skill set? You have lost touch with the common people, landing your ideas in a spiral of irrelevancy. Try taking a minimum wage job to teach you the value of hard, thankless work. Your employees will be glad you did.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your high expectations in life make everything difficult, Capricorn. If somebody is not living up to your expectations, you have to remove them from your contact list, they will make you look worse than you are. Later in the evening you will be seeing a ‘Simpson’s‘ episode you have seen before. It may or may not be one to consider watching.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Be wary of the frills and gimmicks, Aquarius, they have led to this recession. If you have to return to the basics, then do so, but remember that moving in with parents and family demand minimum housecleaning skills. It would be worthwhile to invest in some wardrobe improvements that say “I might live at home, but I could still participate in sex if you asked me to.”

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You are a working stooge, dear Pisces. You follow the rules, but the rules are only there to create stooges like yourself. Try taking the day off and apply for some government discounts. Having money work for you and not the other way around is what you need, and soon you’ll be in the position to hire your own team of hardworking, stooge-like people.