Editorial: Calgary offers Edmonton ‘Suspicious’ Amount of Douchebags

The Edmonton Weststar,  November 9th, 2011

Many times, our southern neighboring brothers have proved themselves handy through their bustling,  cut-throat white collar scene that was mercilessly stolen from behind our city limits. Being what they refer to as ‘the rightful capital’ of this fair and awesome province, Calgary enjoys plenty of victory not always shared with the tough, hardworking, and sexually endearing folks of the north. The bitter resentment that ensues is always a reliable fall back for any aspiring writer who might be looking for some sort of punching bag to wail on, when the ‘well runs dry’ , as it were.

But, in this editors opinion, Calgary have  done two things right; made the 1988 winter Olympics happen, (a year that in China means ‘double wealth’), and was featured in the movie ‘Cool Runnings,’ a most notorious and beautiful film that has yet to be surpassed in the ‘Jamaican bobsled team’ genre. That, contrasted with the thousands upon thousands of things that Calgary has done wrong. It is tempting to regale my readers with examples, but that would be considered hate speech, something which is unfortunately not always legal in this country of ours. So I will start and end with only one, obvious failing of this city: it is not all the way in the mountains.

By this I mean, Calgary, why be just outside the mountains? Why, did you not have the common sense to put yourself all the way in there? This ‘skiers tease’ is a cruel way to say to the world “See? Live in Calgary but I am just outside the mountains. Watch me almost live in the mountains.” If somebody wanted to live just outside the mountains and still be in Alberta, they would live in Edmonton, and thus, here is the crux of my argument.

Calgary wants to be Edmonton, but they are too far south to do that. Instead, they offer us an exchange program of young, hopeful industrialites who wish to relocate in there pursuit of happiness, but do not want to leave this province of ours. For obvious reasons, but the problem with Calgary is that it sends us people who at first (and usually only) meeting, happen to leave an impression that makes you skeptically mutter “Hmm… that.”

No doubt this sentiment is shared with our southern ‘howdy’ neighbors,  but in the reverse, but in this editors opinion, that doesn’t matter. I can’t say I have had all bad times with Calgarians -which they prefer to be called- some of them being the most generous and kindly people the west has to offer. However, looking at them from afar, and in a very general, non-researched way, I would say I do not like them. But why, why do I not like them?

This is a mulch-faceted issue that doesn’t really have quantifiable rational behind it. Why do I not like mosquitoes? They prove themselves necessary for bats, don’t they? Without them, bats would not be able to afford the lifestyle that they enjoy. So I should like them, but I can’t, because they compete for the materials  necessary for my survival, that which being my red blood cells. As well, not only to they steal my resources, they carry the possibility to spreading malaria and sexually transmittable diseases. They take, and harvest my difficult to protect resources, and then they complement themselves on the pleasant weather they always seemed to be enjoying. So am I just being a late night, soap box standing bigot by spewing this opinion?

The other thing about being an Edmontonian is that we have a hockey team that always seems to be playing against Calgary in some sort of heated, competitive way. Granted, the recent developments in the NHL seem to indicate a cease fire, a much needed halt to this expensive brutality. But, sources indicate that there may come a time where this will not the case, and our two cities will once again be warring with each other. Both will not coming close to winning any Stanley cups, but both will make ourselves look better by doing so. The best defense is offence, and by criticizing Calgary now, Edmontonians will be doing well to preemptively trump these barbarians before they can greedily colonize our pure and noble hockey ways.

This was written as part of The Edmonton Weststar’s ‘Editorial Series’

Coming up from this author: ‘Why Anybody East (And Including) Winnipeg is considered an ‘Easterner’