ARIES (March 21 – April 20):

Don’t limit yourself to tried and trusted sources of music right now. If you feel a certain 1980’s pop ballad is in order, well I say go for it. Loudly.

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21):

You must be true to your beliefs, even if it will compromise your job/marriage/education etc. You thought that reddit post was funny, because most likely, it was. Not your problem that everybody else is worried about things they can’t control.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21):

Your life will change for the better very soon. I’m not just saying this, you’re not unpopular, you’re obscure. Perhaps double platinum obscure?

CANCER (June 22 – July 23):

If you don’t feel like pushing yourself today, physically, then it’s probably because exercise is a dirty thing and should be avoided. Don’t worry, they’ve got health coverage for that. And if not? Don’t worry about it, you got timmmmeeee….

LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23):

You may find it difficult to think outside certain limits today and may reject perfectly sound meal suggestions on the basis that the argument directly before the food came up that left some things unresolved. No, I’m not still upset about the Saturday thing, I just don’t want to have tacos tonight.

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23):

Be careful what you allow yourself to believe today because honestly it feels like every time you do, it changes. Maybe go for a free style religion like that one that lets you believe in everything and nothing. Even if your wrong, you were right!

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23):

There is no point aiming for perfection because you will reach it tomorrow. Tonight is for mining all the ore you can out of that one thing you found in the desert area by the villager who wants to sell you one emerald for like twenty nine pieces of paper. Bad Deal!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22):

You may be bored with your current situation but what happens over the next few days will make it seem a whole lot less terrible. A whole lot less!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):

You may be a bit pessimistic about money matters at the moment, but really now. Seriously. The guy from Citizen Kane didn’t worry about money and they wrote a song about him. A great song!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20):

So long as you enjoy what you are doing, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about it. When you’re right, you’re right. ‘Nuff said.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19):

You will be concerned with ideas and their practical application today but don’t get so bogged down. It used to be just a few shots of whiskey, but now, maybe a little bit more? But really, tolerance is something that is earned, not given.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20):

You have been ignoring certain warning signals about your vehicles engine integrity. If you do not have a vehicle, then celebrate your lack of troubles with a person that does, especially if they are going in the same direction.