Left-wing Canada ‘not talking to’ Right-wing Canada

The Edmonton WestStar, Nov 5th, 2012

Trouble in paradise

I don’t even know what I did!’ says an emotional Right-wing Canada on Sunday evening, “We were like all fine or whatever and then suddenly she’s not answering my text messages or calls!” 

The left and right wing political mindsets have been undoubtedly on the rocks lately, but nobody was as surprised as conservative Right-wing Canada to see his offerings of love go unmerited. “Like I know she has her phone on her, because I got my sister to try on hers! Fuck, like being a total bitch right now, am I right?” Delving deeper into the situation, the Right-wing seems a little disconcerted. ‘You know what? Fuck it! I try and I try and all I get is this bullshit! You have a problem with my communication skills? You try driving your ass around all day looking at stupid girly environmental shit!”

Still, his wounds seem fresh. One good ally and devoted wing-man, Republican America, offers the Weststar some personal insight. “Oh, those two, it’s always the same! One minute they’re hating each other because shes all irresponsible and horseshit, and he’s just a sexist, self-centered tightwad, and then the next minute they’re back at it again, talking about signing bills together! Like, what are we supposed to think?”

But the situation might be more dire then originally assumed, talking to long time soul-sister of Left-wing Canada, Democratic America, “Don’t listen to him, he’s way out of touch. I’ve been saying those two should have called it quits a long time ago! Right-wing Canada is just not good enough for her! He spends more money his stupid boy- time business plans and half baked highway systems then he does on anything she cares about! And then when she says anything about it, he’s all like “Well, when you start making money…” What a cheap, bigoted ass hole, she can do WAY better!”

Will there be a way to reconcile these tumultuous differences? Right-wing Canada appears to be on the fence “Goddammit, baby! Don’t do this!”

Even tempered mutual friend of both, Norway politics, takes a more rational approach.“He really spoils her, he really does. But, I mean, who wouldn’t spoil that fine looking lady? If she started dating other guys again, he’d really be in trouble. Smart, funny, knows her stuff, extremely compassionate, even-minded, not to mention some of the details he’s told Republican America about her, whoo-ee! I’d go for that in a minute.”

Left-wing Canada declined to comment on the matter, stating only “Tell that jerkwad I still got his red sweater.”