The Edmonton Weststar, Nov 2nd, 2012

In light of new social developments, think tanks, politicians, and worker unions alike are switching to using the term ‘buddy’ instead of ‘comrade’ when referring to another citizen of equal value. In an attempt to even the playing field made unpopular by the smelly and directionless ‘Occupy’ movements, this replacement  is expected to give our society a warm, even, trade-worker twist. Social scientists agree that using a term found frequently in everyday language will be comforting to the public, like birds without mothers who find sock puppets more soothing then the hard metal sharp instruments usually in use when dealing with other species.

Recommended examples of the way to use the new change:

When hailing a cab:

Now: ‘Comrade, comrade, I wish to purchase your vehicle for a short while to enable myself to my destination!”

Changed to: ‘Hey Buddy! BUDDY! Stop! Fuck off BUDDY! Fuckin’ BUDDYY didn’t stop!”

When dealing with work dilemmas:

Now: “Sorry, my comrade, we have run afoul our two way of doing things.”

Changed to: ‘Hey buddy, what are you, fucking king-shit buddy? Fuck off buddy!”

Dealing with observing an accident:

Now:”Oh police comrade, my comrade and I witnessed the comrade in the red car accidentally bump into the back of black truck comrade…”

Changed to: “Yeah so then buddy and I, we see like fuckin’ buddy over here like totally nail the back of other buddy there, and we were like fuck! Fuckin’ buddy doesn’t drive worth shit! Fuck!”

Romantic issues:

Now: “I am sorry, Charles, you are seen as my comrade, not my long term life partner to be.”

Changed to: “Aww, Chucky! You’re my buddy, you know? We’re just buddy buds! Yeah!”

Comforting a friend:

Now: ‘Nonsense, comrade, no issue is of greater importance then that of our motherland. We look only to help our fellow comrades.”

Changed to: “Don’t worry, buddy, it’ll be okay. You got insurance.”

02/11/2012