The Edmonton Weststar, November 08th, 2012
Slow walkers of all ages are invited to celebrate Novembrance day at Edmonton’s world-class big mall. On November 11th at 11:11AM, patrons young and old will stop complaining how November is too early for Christmas music and observe a moment of silence in remembrance of the many sacrifices made in securing the convenient six-million-square-foot lifestyle we enjoy today.
“Freedom isn’t free,” explains Statutory Holiday Revenue Recovery Director, Frank Polewood, “but if you buy three wiggling-ferrets-with-balls, the fourth one is.”
On a day long historic for commemorating the hard work of generations before us, Edmontonians are being called to remember the sacrifices made right here at home. Countless entertainment animals have died on the front lines of family fun and many mall cops risk life and limb daily in the war on drugs and loitering. Despite receiving barely minimum wage in return, veteran Security Managevisor Joel Kalynchuk, is proud of the work he does for our city. “I’m thrilled that management can find sixty seconds every year to appreciate me,” says Joel as he scrubs excitement-induced puke out of FunZone4Kidz’s Whack-A–Mole mallet, “but I guess I’d rather have a pension set up for my kids – you know, for after I get stabbed by a crank-addict or hit by the roller coaster.”
After the moment of silence, visitors are encouraged to have their picture taken with Rememberant the Elephant. By now a cultural icon in Alberta’s river city, Rememberant is getting into the Poachvember spirit this year – growing out his tusks to raise awareness for the amphetamine-fueled, illicit cell-phone-charms trade that has plagued the long-abandoned Zeller’s delivery dock.
“Another exciting addition this year is Rick Roger’s Pontiac-Bolerostar presents The Cinnabonzai 21 Bun Salute,” boasts Polewood. “It’s the kind of fresh programming that really makes our catatonic tourist swamp seem like a world-class attraction. It’s the obvious choice for families celebrating Novembrance Day on a tight but consumer-confident budget.”