The Edmonton West Star, November 16th, 2012

Recent reports have surfaced that highlight our growing need to change the once popular Canadian ‘polite’ stereotype to ‘insincere’. This will address the trend to say what we think we should, rather than what we’re actually thinking. “It’s gotten to the point that people this far north will do anything to maintain this stereotype, to the point of turning into useless, sugar-coating porridge that really just makes people second guess themselves,” says key sociologist on the issue. “Meanwhile, they’re on their cell phones or in their amply-spaced houses, shit- talking and making fun of anybody and everybody, potentially bottling-up extreme condescension that most countries don’t even know exists. Deep down these countries might have suspicions that we’re actually a bunch of sarcastic assholes, but they have no way to prove it – possibly getting violent in retaliation?”

There have always been hints that Canadians have more attitude to them than meets the eye. Our obsession with hockey, the only sport outside of professional fighting which actually encourages the athletes to punch each other out, is much like a Roman gladiator sport. But contrast this with our somewhat ‘hoser who’s happy to help’ demeanour: this uniquely Canadian attitude acts as a sort of ‘hustling’ instinct, in which you pretend you are slower, dumber, or more innocent than you are to lull your victim into a sense of underestimation. According to key scientists, “This allows you to have the advantage over your rivals without it being obvious. This is how many Canadians have been able to survive the world-wide recession, several critical Middle Eastern conflicts, support many dodgy business initiatives, and maintain our somewhat hatey relationship with the Americans – all without incurring serious losses like our somewhat more ‘mouthy’ colleagues.”

Of course it is difficult to tell when a Canadian is merely ‘hustling’ and when they are just naturally inferior, but this is the power of illusion with which this insincerity shields us. “It’s really quite crafty” says one political analysis. “This way, we’re always the ‘friendly one’ in foreign relation circles, the one kid that everybody knows in high school, the unassuming one gathering useful insight. You can see shades of this technique in other former European colonies, Australia being one. Everybody loves an Australian, don’t they? It’s those accents, but really, I’m sure they could do some serious damage if they wanted to.”

But is it really those accents? Canadian accents have a tendency to be barely understandable when found in its sincere drunken form, with plenty of ‘ehs’, ‘fuckins’, ‘ fuck yeahs’, ‘fuckin’ eh mans’ and ‘eh fuckin mans’, coming off somewhat brash and impolite. On top of that, we also take our shoes off when we go into places with carpet. These are seemingly crude and raucous tendencies, yet perhaps this ‘polite’ demeanour was really just a survival instinct of a small, firearm lacking peoples, maybe we come by it more honestly then this article would assume.

But would this change in stereotype have a detrimental effect to our country’s reputation? One Ottawa insider disagrees: “Nah, we’re so good at it by now that they won’t believe it even if they read this. Nobody takes us seriously and that is how we like it. Ha ha, it’s like that part in the Goodfellas when Morrie’s about to get whacked and Deniro lulls him into the car under the pretense of friendship. He doesn’t even see it coming, the dumbshit’s even laughing! Hee hee, real good scene, real good scene.”

16/11/2012