ZODIACAL CONSIDERATIONS FOR THIS WEEK:
ARIES (March 21-April 19): You enjoy controversy today because whipping up different opinions and facts make you realize that you were right all along. Afterwards, your kids will flip out about their bedtime, but their argument is merely founded on nonsensical screaming.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You will need to rely on yourself today, Taurus, as always. Some one important to you will not be around, and you will be left to pick up the tab. Money can bring you happiness, but not when you spend it all on drinks waiting for your date. Tell the waitress about it, a tip will only insult her!
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): An exciting person will energize other people in your life today, Gemini. You can have renewed faith, but your mother was right all along. You must kick habits and rouse from lethargy, they are extremely unattractive. You may think it was better to have loved than lost, but believe me, this week that’s not the case.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Recent career moves bring you much windfall, Cancer! Now is the time to invest into some unhealthy habits to go with it. If you prove yourself resilient, your nay-sayers will have a harder time in court. If they think the truth is mightier then the sword, they may not have passed their law degree.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Dear, Leo, an unexpected event may leave you feeling dazed. It might not be as bad as you think it is if it turns out they were as drunk as you were. However, in the future, it would be wise not to mix business with pleasure, as far as your boss’s spouse is concerned.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You are feeling wrong about something, dear Virgo, and you got to figure it out. The best thing to do in this situation is think about everything you have done wrong until this point. It is helpful to write it all out so you can memorize it, perhaps put it by your night stand. Later, your lover will find this crushing insecurity well worth the drive from St. Albert.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): All your energy is going into your social circle this week, friendly Libra. Even then, it’s spilling into the social networking sites we all share. Make sure you actually proofread your posts though, you’re so excited it’s coming off pretty brain dead!
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your worries about the overlord are founded, dear Scorpio, they may not have your best interests memorized. Keep yourself under strict ration law, and whatever you do, don’t make it seem like you passed away. They may not know the difference and you’ll end up in the bathroom garbage.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your shooting your mouth off and it’s hurting your career, sassy Sagittarius. However, it is making you look sexier to those on the sidelines! Keep in mind that moving into racial slurs will quickly squelch this, so try to keep it about things that are founded in basic logic. Afterwards, Family Guy will be on for four hours, but you’ve seen them all already, fortunately.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Common disdain for everyday proceedings may wear on your tolerance this week, stout Capricorn. Your children try hard, but try to keep a cool, detached distance. They may put in the extra effort if they think you don’t like them. Try grumpy sighs every time you share a room, they’ll get the point.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You feel a sense of doomy gloom today, Aquarius, but it’ll pass if you go to the mall. However the bargain you think will turn this all around may not be the answer. Nice smelling candles seem like a deal, but they really only cost the ‘sale’ price to begin with. Tricky companies, write them a letter!
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): This is a good day to be by oneself, Pisces, but for you this is pretty normal. Although your big move may seem like a bust, there is always a gambling habit to be had. Vegas offers many a lad or lass a way out, but be careful you don’t get married. Those American’s are looking for a catch like you to save them from their nonsense.